bold.

Today, I prayed an honest prayer. I asked God to allow me to live long enough to meet and enjoy my grandchildren. This request may not be something a person thinks about too much, but for me this request resonates to the bottom of my hurting spirit.

For many generations, my family has had a history of unnatural premature deaths leaving children fatherless and/or motherless.

Changing the title of spouse to widow. Leaving six year olds to understand what it means to never see daddy again, and fourteen year olds having to grow up a lot faster than necessary. Carving out an empty hole in the middle of our chest. Making it impossible to answer even generic questions like, "How are you?" Or "Do you need anything?"

Because the truth is I am in a lot of pain, and I do need a lot... I need my mother. But that might make people uncomfortable... so, "I'm good!" And "I'm ok, thanks." Is what we answer.

All of this speaks of the quality of family that we are, because strength during times like this is not an option. It becomes a requirement. We were raised to bow our heads and pray to God. He listens. To say please and thank you and to mean it. To work hard. It leads to success. To speak with kindness. It gets things done. To love Jesus for what He's done. To never turn down a cup of coffee with Abuela and Mema. They speak wisdom. To put our hope in God alone. He is worthy. We were raised to bounce back from rock bottom. Staying stuck is not an option.

So, in my prayer, I decided to asked for a bit more. I asked for death to stop here. I declared a complete stop to premature death in the name of Jesus. Our generations will no longer grow up motherless or fatherless. A little bold don't you think? Yes, but the Word of God encourages this boldness. I'm holding on to His grace. He has helped us when we have needed it most.

"So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." - Hebrews 4:16

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